You know things aren’t really going so well when you have to force yourself into a happy face before entering the house after a day of work. Do I wanna talk about it? Bit hard when I don’t know what it is.
It feels like I have some holes in me that I don’t know how to fill. Days come, days go. More days come, more days go. What really is the point of it all?

People convince themselves that life has some higher purpose. But it seems they’re just overcomplicating things. Life comes, life goes. Not much really happens. What happens around that noone knows, and noone will ever know. Why is it that humans are the only species to strive to find something they can’t? I think my cats have the right idea… chill, chill, and chill some more… no care in the world…

Last weekend I bought and played through Heavy Rain. All I can say is… what a fantastic game!

I had played the game Fahrenheit (aka Indigo Prophecy) by the same developer and loved it, and I heard that this game was going to have a similar control scheme which is really what makes the game unique. Instead of running and jumping your way around levels and mashing buttons to smack people around, the game basically consists of walking around your environments, using the right control stick to interact with objects around you by moving it in the direction shown on screen, and following button prompts in a Quick Time Event fashion in the various action sequences. The result is almost like watching a movie that you can directly influence.

The choices you are given to branch the storyline is also phenomenal. I’ll certainly be going back to play through again and see how it will progress differently.

Whilst it is a really excellent game, it does have its flaws however. The control of your character can sometimes be rather fiddly, and you may often find yourself walking in a direction you hadn’t intended or struggle to face an object you are trying to interact with. It can be quite frustrating, especially when you know the clock is ticking in some cases. In the big picture it is only a small niggle however.

I intend to write a full review on the game, but I just wanted to give a quick shout out about how much I love it. I really hope that we see more games like this in future.

How’ve things been the past week? Pretty good overall. I’ve been getting myself more regular exercise, I’m trying to eat more healthily (not so easy for me – waaay too fussy! – but I’m trying), I met up with some friends I haven’t seen for a while, things in work seem to be getting more structured… finally, and I’m starting to pick up playing the guitar at last.

So overall things are looking good… I still want more from myself of course, that’s just how I work I guess, but at least things are moving along.

This evening I watched the latest episode of One Tree Hill (vague spoilers ahead, so if you watch it and are a few episodes behind, you have been warned). It’s always been a show that I can relate to, scarily so sometimes. It has happened on numerous occasions already that when something is going on in my life, it is then tackled in OTH. So it’s certainly a show that hits some nerves with me.

These past few episodes have done just that, albeit a little indirectly. There has been a theme of dealing with death (and with it, loss in general) and also a lot of finding your way, dealing with the unknown and trust between people. Now the death side of things is something that I want to write about, but that will be for another time. Here I’d like to focus on the other part.

In the last episode there was mistrust between two of the characters. This led to one assuming the worst from other without finding out if it were actually true. I’ve been guilty of this before most certainly. It’s easy to see something or hear about something and just jump to the worst case scenario.
Why do we do it? It’s a defense mechanism I think. There’s a suggestion that someone that means the world to us could be doing something behind our backs or perhaps just not feel the same way we do, and without proof we bring up the shields ready for the worst, because unprotected it could really beat us down. So we bring up the walls, do and say stupid things and then find out that our fears were unfounded. You just gotta hope then that the damage done is not too great.
And the most stupid thing is that we do this time and time again. It’s a natural reaction that is very hard to turn off sometimes, and it’s all down to fear of losing those who we love.
There’s a fine line between having complete trust in people and being naive. It can sometimes be very difficult to find that line.

Then there’s the other part – finding which path to take in life, and in love. The problem here is that… you can’t ever really know your path. In fact, I’m not even sure there are paths anymore. You don’t know what is gonna come next for you. To go back to death for a second, and thinking a little morbidly… death could be waiting for you just next week. It’s not in your control. There are accidents, there are illnesses, there are attacks from vicious people. Simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time could end it all, at any point in time.
That’s very much a dark thing to consider, but it isn’t the intention to leave it at that. My point is that the only thing we truly have control over is what happens to us right now. The past is done. The future is unpredictable. The question is, what do you want right now before it’s too late?

Feel your heart beating. What is it beating for? What does it long for? Concentrate purely on what your heart tells you. Then stop and think about it. I bet your brain now says to stop being silly, that it isn’t possible. I bet it brings up all kinds of questions about things that could go wrong, and thinks about the risks you would be taking.
Well let’s think about risk for a second. The truth is that every single thing in this world carries risk. No exceptions. It is everywhere. It’s attached to every single action. That makes it irrelevant, in a sense.

It’s going back to fear again. Fear of losing often overshadows seeing what you can gain, but if you don’t take any actions you don’t ever gain anything.
So I ask you now, instead of thinking “what if it goes wrong?”, pose this question to yourself: What if it goes right?
That thing that you want – a person, an environment, anything – it is possible for what you imagine to come true. It’s possible it wont, yeah, but it’s 100% certain that it wont, if you do nothing.
While you indulge your fear, your chance may slip away and you may never get it back. So if you want something, just go for it. If you don’t get it, you’re no worse off than having done nothing. But if you do get it, all your dreams come true. Have a little faith in yourself and those that you love. Keep them close and together you can overcome that which you fear.

I’ll end it with a fitting quote taken from tonight’s episode:
”Give your head permission to follow your heart.”

I’m not exactly sure where it comes from but I’ve had a recent flash of inspiration to start working on more things. I have been making a list of things that I would like to achieve and starting tomorrow I am gonna be working on that list. I have already started on some self-improvement activities. I have been exercising regularly, developing my cooking skills, and trying to work on things that I can improve about myself by not hiding myself away so much. It hasn’t exactly been easy but it’s a step that I just need to take.

So starting tomorrow I’ll also be undertaking more, including building up this site. I’ve had this website for a while now, but for a long time I’ve only really been using it as a blog, and even then often with long quiet periods. I would like that to change, so in turn the site is also going to change. I’m gonna start by planning out exactly what I want on it, and I’ll start to build it up from there.
I’m also going to be using the blog section more. I mostly use it for venting out my personal thoughts and feelings, and I will continue with that. It’s a good way to document how you feel about stuff so you can look back later and see what has changed, where you’ve come and give you a better idea about what you can do now.
But I will also be using it for more things. Growing up I never had much urge to do writing, but Helina seems to have inspired something in me that is itching to write. She has always encouraged me and I guess that has helped to give me more confidence. So I’ll be writing more about lots of things that come to mind on my blog, and probably working on some fiction as well. I guess we’ll see where that goes

I am also gonna try to get back into some personal programming projects. Since I started to work, all my coding time has been in my job but that’s also something I would like to change. It was always a hobby for me and I would like to get back into that. It would help boost my skills for my career as well as turn up some surprising ideas perhaps

Then there’s learning guitar. I have been saying for yeeears that I’m gonna do this, but it just never happens. I actually once got to a point where I was learning chords but then I got out of habit and well.. you know how it goes. But this time I’m gonna stick at it!

So those things are gonna be keeping me busy, but lately I’ve also been looking a bit deeper. Specifically, where do I want my life to go? It’s a big question but things have felt rather stale for me for too long. Beyond working on these hobbies to start up, I also looked at the other parts of life.

The idea is if I set out what I would like out of life, I can then plan out how I’m going to achieve those and start taking it step by step. These range from the simple ones like having my eyesight fixed (surgery… brrr… but worth it), to more complex ones like fixing my social problems. I’m starting to face up to the fact that I do have social issues. I’ve always known I do, but only now do I really want to put it right. It’s not helping me at all. The details of that were in the last blog entry, so I wont go into it again. I’ll probably address it again soon though.
Then there’s the romance side of my life. Call me soppy, but I’m someone who has a lot of love to give, and I want to have someone in my life who I can love and live out my days with side by side. I then thought about what kinda person I would like to be with. Who is my ideal partner? And this is what I came up with:

She would be someone who gets me and my oddities. She would be funny, in a cute way, and always able to put a smile on my face. She’d be intelligent, creative and open minded, yet quirky (but not too much ) cause for me that can be kinda cute. She’d be down to earth, not too loud, someone who I can talk to easily but where it’s ok to have quieter periods to chill, someone passionate and open to romance, someone I can have fun with and embrace our sillier sides, but also be serious when necessary, someone I can trust, and someone who will work together as a team, as a couple, to overcome any difficulties.

They are the qualities that I’m looking for, yet as I read over them, it all seems rather familiar… But there is also one thing missing in the list, and that is that she would want me back. That is a part that is not as familiar. I have felt hints of it, but not enough to convince me that I can stop my search. So I guess I’ll keep an eye out until I find someone, or the other decides she wants me too.

So that’s the plan of where to go next… let’s see how it gooooes Wish me luck

This week I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. And I come to realise that my approach to nearly everything has been wrong, my whole life. I need to start to accept life for what it is, and not what I would like it to be.

For starters, nothing comes easy. Nothing.

You may think that something is guaranteed and in the bag, and nothing can disrupt it. You would be wrong. Nothing is given at any time. If you want something, you have to work your ass off for it and never, ever stop. If you do, you’ve as good as lost it.

I’ve been living my life in a shell. If a situation arises that I don’t like, I avoid it. Anything that might make me uncomfortable, I shy away from. But where is this going to get me? Nowhere at all. Life passes you by if you let it, and for 22 years I’ve been doing exactly that.

I live life passively. I take things as they come, keeping on the outside of things, looking in. People and opportunities just fly by, and I let them. Why? Because it’s safe I guess. If I’m not in something, I’m safe. Living in my cozy little shell.

But what does this mean for me? It means that what I have to offer goes unnoticed. I keep everything from view, I don’t expose myself fully. I interact with people but not completely. I can have conversations, I can reassure people, make them feel comfortable, but beyond that not a lot. I keep most of myself hidden. It’s like watching a movie with bad picture. You can hear stuff fine, but there’s a big part missing so it doesn’t feel right.

So as a result, people don’t get to see the whole of what I have to offer. Except for my close family really. This is the one place where I drop the shell. For anyone else I keep it up, usually when I get to know people better, spend time with them and become more comfortable.

And this gets me nowhere. People latch onto my personality, I’ve seen that for a long time. But then the whole picture isn’t shown. I can imagine it must be a bit odd for people, especially those online. They get to know me well, but if they meet me in person, suddenly it’s well…. there but not there. They can hear it in what I say, but feeling it is a different matter. I just don’t express myself, because it’s all hidden away in the shell.

So what am I going to do about it?
Get out of the goddamn shell. I’m afraid that this trait I have been following has just blown something that was important to me.

So no more living on the sidelines. I’m going to do what I want to do. If it makes me uncomfortable, but it’s a good thing, I’m doing it anyway. I’m going to live life, and embrace myself and what I have to offer, and show it to the world. The me that is inside needs to start being me on the outside as well, and when that happens only good things can come of it.

It starts today. It starts now. And those that get to see it had better brace themselves.

Over New Year, I went to stay in Belgium with Helina. This was the first time we were meeting in person, despite meeting three and a half years ago. Afterwards we both have a decision to make regarding where we will head next.

She and I have had a thing for a very long time. It has never quite been a full relationship, but for long periods has been as close as you can get without being so. Now we have met and it seems to me that things were as I hoped they would be. She is just the same as she has always been online, she is the girl I fell for. My worries prior to meeting suddenly felt rather silly once I realised this.

I felt at ease with her. I could talk to her just as I could online or on the phone. She made me laugh, smile and generally filled my heart with warmth. It felt right to be with her, not like someone I had previously not come into contact with. I was in a strange place, yet I could fall asleep next to her each night with ease, one night even hand in hand.

Saying goodbye to her at the train station is still stuck in my mind. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave her side. I gave her a goodbye hug, which I wanted to last longer but didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. I always promised her big hugs, but as we take things slowly I wasn’t sure it was the time. So off I went reluctantly, with the image burned in my mind of her standing there watching me go.

This is how it was for me. I loved my time with her. I think it proved that we really are good together, not just online. We worked well on household chores, unpacking in her apartment, having fun together, relaxing at home, doing shopping. Over five days we were living together, and it felt great.

The question is now, how was it for her? I already know that she didn’t quite have the physical attraction to me she thought she would have, though she isn’t sure why. I’m not really sure either. She’s seen me on webcam on many occasions, and has photos of me (even one taken a couple of weeks ago). How can it be that different? Perhaps there is something else going on, that she’s just not ready for attraction to anyone else yet, but then it wouldn’t be the case with anyone else. I’m not sure if that is the case.

I also wonder how the rest of it was for her. On the other side of things. The living together and inner connection that we have. Was that all fitting into place like it was for me? If it was then you’d think the attraction problem would be an inconvenience rather than a show-stopper, unless it really is a terrible thing for her. Can you love someone less cause you aren’t as physically attracted as you thought? Can what you feel for who someone is be erased by what they look like? Is it worth throwing away what you have on every other level?

Last night I also said something very stupid to her. It hurt her and it hurt me that I could do something so idiotic to her. As soon as I did it, I felt sick at myself. It was just a few words, a few seconds without thinking and it’s out of your control. I just hope that she can forgive me for it. She knows that’s not who I am. Something like that comes so rarely from me that it had a greater effect than most I guess. To think that I could lose her over it is killing me. One stupid thing that I cannot take back, no matter how much I wish I could. Everyone has their buildup of pain, and this was mine breaking out. It just did so in the worst way. I hurt the one I love most in the world.

I know that she’s currently working things out in her mind. I just hope that she doesn’t forget what is good between us. When there is so much good, it can be so easy to focus on the negatives that come up, even though they are the minority. I also hope she isn’t put off by what other people think and trusts her own feelings about us. I don’t think anyone really gets what we have. We met in a game, and have only just met in person. The idea is strange for a lot of people and they may not appreciate what there is. Noone knows us better than we do.

For three years, we’ve been so close. For three years nothing has changed between us. At one point she tried to let go, and so I also tried. We both failed. That’s how we ended up with what we have today. We got another chance. What we have is strong and lasting.

If it really is as good for her as it is for me, then it’s just too much to lose. Years of happiness should beat away the slip of the tongue that lasts just a moment. Together we’ve found a way through everything, I hope that is how it will continue. If that’s not the case, then I think there’s something I’m missing.

Last night, I talked a little about the past. Tonight I want to take a look at the present.

Sometimes we need to stop and take a look around us. It can be so easy to get caught up in the things that come at us directly. Sometimes things happen. Sometimes they are bad things. Sometimes we lose things. Sometimes it can feel like our world is falling apart.

We have two choices though, and we always have that choice. One is to dwell on what was, let our thoughts trail back to what we once had, once knew, once loved. This is a natural process to go through, it will be there whether we like it or not, but the question is will we stay in it and let it consume us?

If not we can move to the second choice, which is to divert our thoughts from what is missing, and take a good look at what is present around us. For every negative in life, there is a positive that goes with it. Such is the balance of the universe. Take a look at your positives, cause there are some. Although it may not always feel that way, you’re probably just ignoring them.

Open your eyes, right now. Whether you’re reading this now in the best of moods, or feeling rather bad about something, really try to open your mind. Push aside your negatives just for a moment, and bring into focus your positives. Your good friends, a loyal pet, your favourite book, anything or anyone that can always make you smile. There are endless possibilities and I’m sure each of us can make a list that reaches on further than you might think.

Keeping these things in mind are what can drive you forward. These are the things that you are carrying with you into the future, not the bad stuff you are leaving behind. So move along in life, mourn what is lost, but push yourself forward on the good things in life, cause there are many and they will keep you happy so long as you let them.