This week I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. And I come to realise that my approach to nearly everything has been wrong, my whole life. I need to start to accept life for what it is, and not what I would like it to be.

For starters, nothing comes easy. Nothing.

You may think that something is guaranteed and in the bag, and nothing can disrupt it. You would be wrong. Nothing is given at any time. If you want something, you have to work your ass off for it and never, ever stop. If you do, you’ve as good as lost it.

I’ve been living my life in a shell. If a situation arises that I don’t like, I avoid it. Anything that might make me uncomfortable, I shy away from. But where is this going to get me? Nowhere at all. Life passes you by if you let it, and for 22 years I’ve been doing exactly that.

I live life passively. I take things as they come, keeping on the outside of things, looking in. People and opportunities just fly by, and I let them. Why? Because it’s safe I guess. If I’m not in something, I’m safe. Living in my cozy little shell.

But what does this mean for me? It means that what I have to offer goes unnoticed. I keep everything from view, I don’t expose myself fully. I interact with people but not completely. I can have conversations, I can reassure people, make them feel comfortable, but beyond that not a lot. I keep most of myself hidden. It’s like watching a movie with bad picture. You can hear stuff fine, but there’s a big part missing so it doesn’t feel right.

So as a result, people don’t get to see the whole of what I have to offer. Except for my close family really. This is the one place where I drop the shell. For anyone else I keep it up, usually when I get to know people better, spend time with them and become more comfortable.

And this gets me nowhere. People latch onto my personality, I’ve seen that for a long time. But then the whole picture isn’t shown. I can imagine it must be a bit odd for people, especially those online. They get to know me well, but if they meet me in person, suddenly it’s well…. there but not there. They can hear it in what I say, but feeling it is a different matter. I just don’t express myself, because it’s all hidden away in the shell.

So what am I going to do about it?
Get out of the goddamn shell. I’m afraid that this trait I have been following has just blown something that was important to me.

So no more living on the sidelines. I’m going to do what I want to do. If it makes me uncomfortable, but it’s a good thing, I’m doing it anyway. I’m going to live life, and embrace myself and what I have to offer, and show it to the world. The me that is inside needs to start being me on the outside as well, and when that happens only good things can come of it.

It starts today. It starts now. And those that get to see it had better brace themselves.