How’ve things been the past week? Pretty good overall. I’ve been getting myself more regular exercise, I’m trying to eat more healthily (not so easy for me – waaay too fussy! – but I’m trying), I met up with some friends I haven’t seen for a while, things in work seem to be getting more structured… finally, and I’m starting to pick up playing the guitar at last.

So overall things are looking good… I still want more from myself of course, that’s just how I work I guess, but at least things are moving along.

This evening I watched the latest episode of One Tree Hill (vague spoilers ahead, so if you watch it and are a few episodes behind, you have been warned). It’s always been a show that I can relate to, scarily so sometimes. It has happened on numerous occasions already that when something is going on in my life, it is then tackled in OTH. So it’s certainly a show that hits some nerves with me.

These past few episodes have done just that, albeit a little indirectly. There has been a theme of dealing with death (and with it, loss in general) and also a lot of finding your way, dealing with the unknown and trust between people. Now the death side of things is something that I want to write about, but that will be for another time. Here I’d like to focus on the other part.

In the last episode there was mistrust between two of the characters. This led to one assuming the worst from other without finding out if it were actually true. I’ve been guilty of this before most certainly. It’s easy to see something or hear about something and just jump to the worst case scenario.
Why do we do it? It’s a defense mechanism I think. There’s a suggestion that someone that means the world to us could be doing something behind our backs or perhaps just not feel the same way we do, and without proof we bring up the shields ready for the worst, because unprotected it could really beat us down. So we bring up the walls, do and say stupid things and then find out that our fears were unfounded. You just gotta hope then that the damage done is not too great.
And the most stupid thing is that we do this time and time again. It’s a natural reaction that is very hard to turn off sometimes, and it’s all down to fear of losing those who we love.
There’s a fine line between having complete trust in people and being naive. It can sometimes be very difficult to find that line.

Then there’s the other part – finding which path to take in life, and in love. The problem here is that… you can’t ever really know your path. In fact, I’m not even sure there are paths anymore. You don’t know what is gonna come next for you. To go back to death for a second, and thinking a little morbidly… death could be waiting for you just next week. It’s not in your control. There are accidents, there are illnesses, there are attacks from vicious people. Simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time could end it all, at any point in time.
That’s very much a dark thing to consider, but it isn’t the intention to leave it at that. My point is that the only thing we truly have control over is what happens to us right now. The past is done. The future is unpredictable. The question is, what do you want right now before it’s too late?

Feel your heart beating. What is it beating for? What does it long for? Concentrate purely on what your heart tells you. Then stop and think about it. I bet your brain now says to stop being silly, that it isn’t possible. I bet it brings up all kinds of questions about things that could go wrong, and thinks about the risks you would be taking.
Well let’s think about risk for a second. The truth is that every single thing in this world carries risk. No exceptions. It is everywhere. It’s attached to every single action. That makes it irrelevant, in a sense.

It’s going back to fear again. Fear of losing often overshadows seeing what you can gain, but if you don’t take any actions you don’t ever gain anything.
So I ask you now, instead of thinking “what if it goes wrong?”, pose this question to yourself: What if it goes right?
That thing that you want – a person, an environment, anything – it is possible for what you imagine to come true. It’s possible it wont, yeah, but it’s 100% certain that it wont, if you do nothing.
While you indulge your fear, your chance may slip away and you may never get it back. So if you want something, just go for it. If you don’t get it, you’re no worse off than having done nothing. But if you do get it, all your dreams come true. Have a little faith in yourself and those that you love. Keep them close and together you can overcome that which you fear.

I’ll end it with a fitting quote taken from tonight’s episode:
”Give your head permission to follow your heart.”

I’m not exactly sure where it comes from but I’ve had a recent flash of inspiration to start working on more things. I have been making a list of things that I would like to achieve and starting tomorrow I am gonna be working on that list. I have already started on some self-improvement activities. I have been exercising regularly, developing my cooking skills, and trying to work on things that I can improve about myself by not hiding myself away so much. It hasn’t exactly been easy but it’s a step that I just need to take.

So starting tomorrow I’ll also be undertaking more, including building up this site. I’ve had this website for a while now, but for a long time I’ve only really been using it as a blog, and even then often with long quiet periods. I would like that to change, so in turn the site is also going to change. I’m gonna start by planning out exactly what I want on it, and I’ll start to build it up from there.
I’m also going to be using the blog section more. I mostly use it for venting out my personal thoughts and feelings, and I will continue with that. It’s a good way to document how you feel about stuff so you can look back later and see what has changed, where you’ve come and give you a better idea about what you can do now.
But I will also be using it for more things. Growing up I never had much urge to do writing, but Helina seems to have inspired something in me that is itching to write. She has always encouraged me and I guess that has helped to give me more confidence. So I’ll be writing more about lots of things that come to mind on my blog, and probably working on some fiction as well. I guess we’ll see where that goes

I am also gonna try to get back into some personal programming projects. Since I started to work, all my coding time has been in my job but that’s also something I would like to change. It was always a hobby for me and I would like to get back into that. It would help boost my skills for my career as well as turn up some surprising ideas perhaps

Then there’s learning guitar. I have been saying for yeeears that I’m gonna do this, but it just never happens. I actually once got to a point where I was learning chords but then I got out of habit and well.. you know how it goes. But this time I’m gonna stick at it!

So those things are gonna be keeping me busy, but lately I’ve also been looking a bit deeper. Specifically, where do I want my life to go? It’s a big question but things have felt rather stale for me for too long. Beyond working on these hobbies to start up, I also looked at the other parts of life.

The idea is if I set out what I would like out of life, I can then plan out how I’m going to achieve those and start taking it step by step. These range from the simple ones like having my eyesight fixed (surgery… brrr… but worth it), to more complex ones like fixing my social problems. I’m starting to face up to the fact that I do have social issues. I’ve always known I do, but only now do I really want to put it right. It’s not helping me at all. The details of that were in the last blog entry, so I wont go into it again. I’ll probably address it again soon though.
Then there’s the romance side of my life. Call me soppy, but I’m someone who has a lot of love to give, and I want to have someone in my life who I can love and live out my days with side by side. I then thought about what kinda person I would like to be with. Who is my ideal partner? And this is what I came up with:

She would be someone who gets me and my oddities. She would be funny, in a cute way, and always able to put a smile on my face. She’d be intelligent, creative and open minded, yet quirky (but not too much ) cause for me that can be kinda cute. She’d be down to earth, not too loud, someone who I can talk to easily but where it’s ok to have quieter periods to chill, someone passionate and open to romance, someone I can have fun with and embrace our sillier sides, but also be serious when necessary, someone I can trust, and someone who will work together as a team, as a couple, to overcome any difficulties.

They are the qualities that I’m looking for, yet as I read over them, it all seems rather familiar… But there is also one thing missing in the list, and that is that she would want me back. That is a part that is not as familiar. I have felt hints of it, but not enough to convince me that I can stop my search. So I guess I’ll keep an eye out until I find someone, or the other decides she wants me too.

So that’s the plan of where to go next… let’s see how it gooooes Wish me luck