This week I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. And I come to realise that my approach to nearly everything has been wrong, my whole life. I need to start to accept life for what it is, and not what I would like it to be.

For starters, nothing comes easy. Nothing.

You may think that something is guaranteed and in the bag, and nothing can disrupt it. You would be wrong. Nothing is given at any time. If you want something, you have to work your ass off for it and never, ever stop. If you do, you’ve as good as lost it.

I’ve been living my life in a shell. If a situation arises that I don’t like, I avoid it. Anything that might make me uncomfortable, I shy away from. But where is this going to get me? Nowhere at all. Life passes you by if you let it, and for 22 years I’ve been doing exactly that.

I live life passively. I take things as they come, keeping on the outside of things, looking in. People and opportunities just fly by, and I let them. Why? Because it’s safe I guess. If I’m not in something, I’m safe. Living in my cozy little shell.

But what does this mean for me? It means that what I have to offer goes unnoticed. I keep everything from view, I don’t expose myself fully. I interact with people but not completely. I can have conversations, I can reassure people, make them feel comfortable, but beyond that not a lot. I keep most of myself hidden. It’s like watching a movie with bad picture. You can hear stuff fine, but there’s a big part missing so it doesn’t feel right.

So as a result, people don’t get to see the whole of what I have to offer. Except for my close family really. This is the one place where I drop the shell. For anyone else I keep it up, usually when I get to know people better, spend time with them and become more comfortable.

And this gets me nowhere. People latch onto my personality, I’ve seen that for a long time. But then the whole picture isn’t shown. I can imagine it must be a bit odd for people, especially those online. They get to know me well, but if they meet me in person, suddenly it’s well…. there but not there. They can hear it in what I say, but feeling it is a different matter. I just don’t express myself, because it’s all hidden away in the shell.

So what am I going to do about it?
Get out of the goddamn shell. I’m afraid that this trait I have been following has just blown something that was important to me.

So no more living on the sidelines. I’m going to do what I want to do. If it makes me uncomfortable, but it’s a good thing, I’m doing it anyway. I’m going to live life, and embrace myself and what I have to offer, and show it to the world. The me that is inside needs to start being me on the outside as well, and when that happens only good things can come of it.

It starts today. It starts now. And those that get to see it had better brace themselves.

Over New Year, I went to stay in Belgium with Helina. This was the first time we were meeting in person, despite meeting three and a half years ago. Afterwards we both have a decision to make regarding where we will head next.

She and I have had a thing for a very long time. It has never quite been a full relationship, but for long periods has been as close as you can get without being so. Now we have met and it seems to me that things were as I hoped they would be. She is just the same as she has always been online, she is the girl I fell for. My worries prior to meeting suddenly felt rather silly once I realised this.

I felt at ease with her. I could talk to her just as I could online or on the phone. She made me laugh, smile and generally filled my heart with warmth. It felt right to be with her, not like someone I had previously not come into contact with. I was in a strange place, yet I could fall asleep next to her each night with ease, one night even hand in hand.

Saying goodbye to her at the train station is still stuck in my mind. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave her side. I gave her a goodbye hug, which I wanted to last longer but didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. I always promised her big hugs, but as we take things slowly I wasn’t sure it was the time. So off I went reluctantly, with the image burned in my mind of her standing there watching me go.

This is how it was for me. I loved my time with her. I think it proved that we really are good together, not just online. We worked well on household chores, unpacking in her apartment, having fun together, relaxing at home, doing shopping. Over five days we were living together, and it felt great.

The question is now, how was it for her? I already know that she didn’t quite have the physical attraction to me she thought she would have, though she isn’t sure why. I’m not really sure either. She’s seen me on webcam on many occasions, and has photos of me (even one taken a couple of weeks ago). How can it be that different? Perhaps there is something else going on, that she’s just not ready for attraction to anyone else yet, but then it wouldn’t be the case with anyone else. I’m not sure if that is the case.

I also wonder how the rest of it was for her. On the other side of things. The living together and inner connection that we have. Was that all fitting into place like it was for me? If it was then you’d think the attraction problem would be an inconvenience rather than a show-stopper, unless it really is a terrible thing for her. Can you love someone less cause you aren’t as physically attracted as you thought? Can what you feel for who someone is be erased by what they look like? Is it worth throwing away what you have on every other level?

Last night I also said something very stupid to her. It hurt her and it hurt me that I could do something so idiotic to her. As soon as I did it, I felt sick at myself. It was just a few words, a few seconds without thinking and it’s out of your control. I just hope that she can forgive me for it. She knows that’s not who I am. Something like that comes so rarely from me that it had a greater effect than most I guess. To think that I could lose her over it is killing me. One stupid thing that I cannot take back, no matter how much I wish I could. Everyone has their buildup of pain, and this was mine breaking out. It just did so in the worst way. I hurt the one I love most in the world.

I know that she’s currently working things out in her mind. I just hope that she doesn’t forget what is good between us. When there is so much good, it can be so easy to focus on the negatives that come up, even though they are the minority. I also hope she isn’t put off by what other people think and trusts her own feelings about us. I don’t think anyone really gets what we have. We met in a game, and have only just met in person. The idea is strange for a lot of people and they may not appreciate what there is. Noone knows us better than we do.

For three years, we’ve been so close. For three years nothing has changed between us. At one point she tried to let go, and so I also tried. We both failed. That’s how we ended up with what we have today. We got another chance. What we have is strong and lasting.

If it really is as good for her as it is for me, then it’s just too much to lose. Years of happiness should beat away the slip of the tongue that lasts just a moment. Together we’ve found a way through everything, I hope that is how it will continue. If that’s not the case, then I think there’s something I’m missing.