Note: I’m pretty pissed at the moment (angry, not drunk – in fact, I’m angry because of drunkenness, if that even makes sense), so this post may contain some expletives. If you get offended easily, by that or anything else, I wouldn’t bother continuing to read.

So why is it that people think it’s great fun to get off their heads and make pricks out of themselves? I don’t get it. At all.
I used to drink a bit, several years ago now. Then one time I got “drunk”, not wasted, just enough to be drunk. I didn’t like it at all. I felt like I wasn’t fully in control and I didn’t like that. So I stopped drinking. I haven’t had any alcohol since, I don’t see the point.

Other people enjoy to, and as it’s legal, it’s their right to do so, but why the fuck do so many insist on going completely out of their minds that they don’t have a fucking clue what they are doing? It’s embarrassing, it really is.

And it’s really not good for society either. We’re building a society where you can’t have fun without alcohol. I see it around me in my younger brother. I can’t remember a time when I’ve seen him and his friends spend time together without a beer in hand. And I’m sure it’s the same for a lot of younger people growing up. Alcohol is alluring. They aren’t allowed it growing up (though that doesn’t stop a lot of them) and then suddenly they can, so they start chugging it down their throats. And who’s setting the example? The adults who can’t get enough of it either.

Now yeah I know, there are plenty of people around who drink responsibly, and that’s great. But even if they’re the majority, there are still far too many people abusing it. And it’s a real, fucking disgrace.

I was just about to head off to bed, when I find my brother sprawled on the couch asleep with the TV on. He was out earlier with friends. I sigh, and go and give him a poke to tell him to get to his bed. Not so simple. First I actually have to wake him, which is a difficult job even when he’s not intoxicated. Then when he’s actually semi-awake, I try to get through to him that he’s in the living room and should go to bed. No such luck.
He just keeps trying to go back to sleep, and ends up yelling at me in gibberish. So I just turned the TV and lights off and left the git there.

And this is what has pissed me off. People don’t actually get to see how fucking ridiculous they get when drunk out of their minds. It’s just pathetic really. This is the great human race. I think if humanity would look in a mirror, and actually give a fuck for once, they may actually be horrified by what they see.

/end rant

How’ve things been the past week? Pretty good overall. I’ve been getting myself more regular exercise, I’m trying to eat more healthily (not so easy for me – waaay too fussy! – but I’m trying), I met up with some friends I haven’t seen for a while, things in work seem to be getting more structured… finally, and I’m starting to pick up playing the guitar at last.

So overall things are looking good… I still want more from myself of course, that’s just how I work I guess, but at least things are moving along.

This evening I watched the latest episode of One Tree Hill (vague spoilers ahead, so if you watch it and are a few episodes behind, you have been warned). It’s always been a show that I can relate to, scarily so sometimes. It has happened on numerous occasions already that when something is going on in my life, it is then tackled in OTH. So it’s certainly a show that hits some nerves with me.

These past few episodes have done just that, albeit a little indirectly. There has been a theme of dealing with death (and with it, loss in general) and also a lot of finding your way, dealing with the unknown and trust between people. Now the death side of things is something that I want to write about, but that will be for another time. Here I’d like to focus on the other part.

In the last episode there was mistrust between two of the characters. This led to one assuming the worst from other without finding out if it were actually true. I’ve been guilty of this before most certainly. It’s easy to see something or hear about something and just jump to the worst case scenario.
Why do we do it? It’s a defense mechanism I think. There’s a suggestion that someone that means the world to us could be doing something behind our backs or perhaps just not feel the same way we do, and without proof we bring up the shields ready for the worst, because unprotected it could really beat us down. So we bring up the walls, do and say stupid things and then find out that our fears were unfounded. You just gotta hope then that the damage done is not too great.
And the most stupid thing is that we do this time and time again. It’s a natural reaction that is very hard to turn off sometimes, and it’s all down to fear of losing those who we love.
There’s a fine line between having complete trust in people and being naive. It can sometimes be very difficult to find that line.

Then there’s the other part – finding which path to take in life, and in love. The problem here is that… you can’t ever really know your path. In fact, I’m not even sure there are paths anymore. You don’t know what is gonna come next for you. To go back to death for a second, and thinking a little morbidly… death could be waiting for you just next week. It’s not in your control. There are accidents, there are illnesses, there are attacks from vicious people. Simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time could end it all, at any point in time.
That’s very much a dark thing to consider, but it isn’t the intention to leave it at that. My point is that the only thing we truly have control over is what happens to us right now. The past is done. The future is unpredictable. The question is, what do you want right now before it’s too late?

Feel your heart beating. What is it beating for? What does it long for? Concentrate purely on what your heart tells you. Then stop and think about it. I bet your brain now says to stop being silly, that it isn’t possible. I bet it brings up all kinds of questions about things that could go wrong, and thinks about the risks you would be taking.
Well let’s think about risk for a second. The truth is that every single thing in this world carries risk. No exceptions. It is everywhere. It’s attached to every single action. That makes it irrelevant, in a sense.

It’s going back to fear again. Fear of losing often overshadows seeing what you can gain, but if you don’t take any actions you don’t ever gain anything.
So I ask you now, instead of thinking “what if it goes wrong?”, pose this question to yourself: What if it goes right?
That thing that you want – a person, an environment, anything – it is possible for what you imagine to come true. It’s possible it wont, yeah, but it’s 100% certain that it wont, if you do nothing.
While you indulge your fear, your chance may slip away and you may never get it back. So if you want something, just go for it. If you don’t get it, you’re no worse off than having done nothing. But if you do get it, all your dreams come true. Have a little faith in yourself and those that you love. Keep them close and together you can overcome that which you fear.

I’ll end it with a fitting quote taken from tonight’s episode:
”Give your head permission to follow your heart.”

Last night, I talked a little about the past. Tonight I want to take a look at the present.

Sometimes we need to stop and take a look around us. It can be so easy to get caught up in the things that come at us directly. Sometimes things happen. Sometimes they are bad things. Sometimes we lose things. Sometimes it can feel like our world is falling apart.

We have two choices though, and we always have that choice. One is to dwell on what was, let our thoughts trail back to what we once had, once knew, once loved. This is a natural process to go through, it will be there whether we like it or not, but the question is will we stay in it and let it consume us?

If not we can move to the second choice, which is to divert our thoughts from what is missing, and take a good look at what is present around us. For every negative in life, there is a positive that goes with it. Such is the balance of the universe. Take a look at your positives, cause there are some. Although it may not always feel that way, you’re probably just ignoring them.

Open your eyes, right now. Whether you’re reading this now in the best of moods, or feeling rather bad about something, really try to open your mind. Push aside your negatives just for a moment, and bring into focus your positives. Your good friends, a loyal pet, your favourite book, anything or anyone that can always make you smile. There are endless possibilities and I’m sure each of us can make a list that reaches on further than you might think.

Keeping these things in mind are what can drive you forward. These are the things that you are carrying with you into the future, not the bad stuff you are leaving behind. So move along in life, mourn what is lost, but push yourself forward on the good things in life, cause there are many and they will keep you happy so long as you let them.

Earlier today, as my mind was wandering as it usually does, my thoughts wandered quite far back… several years in fact. I was thinking of people I know today and thinking back to when I met them. Some I can’t really remember; I remember a time I didn’t know them, and then I remember the times since we met, but time in between can be rather vague or vanished completely. With others it is still very vivid.

High school friends (who I have very little contact with now) are some of the vague ones. I remember being in school with them, hanging out outside of school with them.. but I guess the whole getting to know them when school started has gotten quite hazy. Some memories stand out but I guess most have been pushed away. High school wasn’t exactly the favourite part of my life, and in some ways I get why I may not be holding on to those memories.

My pals from uni are a lot easier to remember, perhaps cause we are still friends or perhaps cause it wasn’t so long ago (but still over 4 years!). K was the first one I met. I remember it was the first day, and I was sat in the comp science café passing the time til the first lecture. K came over and asked if I was also starting comp science. We went to the lecture together and the friendship kicked off from there.

Next was A. I remember seeing him around the café and in lectures a few times, and one day me and Karl joined him at a table in the café and joined up for lectures etc. Our group then expanded to include J, who was also sat with us in lectures and we gradually got to know each other better.

Then there are those I met in Warcraft. Again some I can remember vividly, others I have known for years yet can’t quite remember when we came to meet. The most notable is M. I can remember a lot of how we met and have lots of memories since then.

I remember our first contact was me picking her out of a list of Priests I was asking to come heal my group in Scarlet Monastery. I remember waiting for her outside the dungeon whilst the others rushed in. I remember how she said we’d most certainly be seeing each other again once the run was complete. I remember seeing her come online in my friend list a few days later and wondering whether to say hi. I did and we talked a bit, I remember I was in Stranglethorn Vale at the time. We used to talk in the private messages a bit, and then gradually started grouping up to play together more. I have a string of these memories up to present day, and that was about 3 and a half years ago.

What is the strangest thing of remembering these things, is looking how far you have come. At one time, I didn’t know these people and now I am very good friends. Some I have grown to know very well indeed yet I can still recall a time when they were practically strangers.

An interesting thought is to then think of how things could be so very different. Taking M for example, what if I had not sent her that message a few days after meeting? Perhaps I never would have and perhaps she wouldn’t have either. Such a tiny step has a major effect on our lives. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like if we hadn’t come this far. I’m very glad I sent out that message.

It goes to show that anything is possible, anything can happen. Nothing is a given, and even the tiniest of acts can have large repercussions on life as a whole.

Humans are strange creatures. I’ve seen a lot of this lately, observing people’s behaviour. The things you can see are really rather interesting, things that you wouldn’t necessarily think of.

Sitting on the bus and trains in the morning, you can see some interesting behaviour of people around each other. One of the most common things, and can be seen from people of all ages, male or female, is that of not wanting to sit next to someone else. This could be a UK thing perhaps, yet it could also stretch further.

Some people (though not all) will do many things to avoid it. Some will even stand than take a seat next to someone else. Is it really that terrible to be close to someone?

Then there are the extremists The ones who take it all a bit too far; to the point of being rude in my opinion. Those guys who place their bag or coat or whatever they can find on the seat next to them so noone can take the seat. An equivalent for a sign to say ‘Don’t even think about it’. And it works, cause not everyone has it in them to ask that they move their belongings.
Or even taking it yet another step further. Those who do the same, yet sit in the aisle seat, so people are even less likely to ask them to move, as they have to shift themselves and not just their stuff. Disgraceful ;P

I’m not saying I don’t understand what’s going on. I have sometimes felt a bit awkward myself in the past, squeezing in when there’s sometimes not a lot of room. But at the end of the day.. it’s just something that you have to get on with. It’s public transport! That means the public are on it, deal with it

Then there’s another aspect that I have realised recently. I’m sure this kind of thinking could insult or degrade what some people think of themselves, but try it yourself.. you may be surprised at what you see.. But then I suppose not a lot of people think like me, so perhaps noone will see it like I do.
Anyway, what I’m talking about, is taking some time to alter your thinking when you look at people, change how you look at them. Take some time when you’re sitting around somewhere, chilling, or waiting for a bus, or anywhere really. Take a look around at people and watch how they move, interact, behave.. and look at them not just as people, but as we are at the core… animals It’s amazing the similarities you can see when you look for them, especially to our close primate cousins. It’s there in everything we do, we just don’t notice cause we like to think of ourselves as special as humans. But when you look, you see we’re more developed, but not so unique

It also goes the other way.. even watching my cats in what they do around the house, I even see some human qualities in them too! When you go to stroke them and they aren’t in the mood, they give you a suiting face in response
And hey.. something else… even to each other, when one is lying on a cushion somewhere, and the other jumps up onto it as well, the first often will give them a “look”, to say ‘hey, this is my spot’. It’s written on their face. Perhaps they are thinking just the same as humans when someone invades their spot on the bus..
Something to think about

We’re such interesting creatures, I’m sure I’ll be writing some more of this at some point. For now I hope I have at least opened some eyes to some interesting observations.

Have you ever noticed something strange or peculiar about people and their behaviour? Or perhaps just something people generally don’t think about themselves or others? Feel free to leave a comment

So Valentines Day is here again. But what does that actually mean?
A lot of people talk about the fact that it is over commercialised and that is probably true. However there is still meaning behind it all.

Speaking as someone who has not yet really had a Valentines to celebrate, and having almost had this one to look forward to, it is more clear as to why it means more than the fancy flowers and hearts and superficial gifts or even a special night in the bedroom. Those aspects play their part of course, as it is a bit of fun, an excuse to treat your loved one.

However the most important part is what it means behind all of that. The part that a lot of people celebrating take for granted I guess. And that is the fact that you can take a day to realise and celebrate that there is someone there in your life, standing by your side showing you that they want to be there with you, and that you aren’t alone in this world.

That is something that should never be taken for granted. If you find that special someone, you should hold on to them and enjoy this day for what it is… a celebration of love in its purest form.

The unknown. What is it? What does it mean? Does it even exist if noone can know what it is? If it doesn’t exist then why can we be so afraid of it?

It is said that “what you don’t know can’t hurt you”, but it is often a lot easier to “know” than it is to be in the dark. The unknown can be one of the hardest things one has to face. If you know a situation, what is going to happen, then you can prepare yourself. You can accept the facts and move on with other things. However when you come across a situation where you are in the dark, perhaps not just you but everyone else involved too, how can you prepare? How can you move on?

I, myself, struggle with the unknown. I try to base things on facts. It is how my mind works. But when there are none available, no source to turn to for answers, it becomes difficult to deal with. I try to accept that I must concentrate on what I know, what is fact, and just let the rest play out on its own but I still am haunted by questions. What ifs and whens and whys. What is happening that I cannot see? Is there even anything? Is it paranoia? Questions that cannot be answered.

The only option is to ignore them. Push them to the back of my mind, and work with what I do know and what I feel. You cannot predict the future. The behaviour of people can be both predictable and spontaneous leaving no room for certainty. If we could see how things would turn out, things would be a lot simpler and difficult decisions would be easier to make. However the unknown remains to cloud our vision, and my brain continues to produce questions that demand answers. But the answers will never come…