Waaoiii, so much to do at the moment but I dunno how to fit it all in!

Reading, writing, programming, learning guitar, drawing, playing through my games, playing sports and getting out and seeing the whole world. Those are the things on my want-to-do list currently but it’s hard to find time for them between work and general tedious everyday tasks. Weekends are even flying by far too fast to get much done.

I’ve tried drawing up some kind of plan to help with it (I’m a planner, that’s what I do) but still I can’t really squeeze everything in. Guess I’ll just have to put some things on the backburner for now!

I also have the problem that I’m in the mood for a holiday. Looking back over my photos from USA, I’d love to get back over there, but it just aint happening any time soon. I only have 6 days of holiday left to take off work until next April.. woohoo….
I think anywhere would be nice but again, time is the issue. I have a feeling this is something that will always plague me. I’m someone who works to live, not lives to work. Work is just something that will always be in my way, but while I need the money I guess I have no choice in the matter!

Keep praying for a lottery win eh?

It’s been an interesting week. A pretty good week. I’ve been getting back in touch with friends I haven’t talked to in a while, I’ve had a flash of genius on a software product which hopefully I’ll take somewhere this time, and things are generally going well *touch wood*.

Two days ago I went in for surgery on my foot and I didn’t really care all that much. My mood was too good for it to really get me down. And now I get a few days relaxing, it’s awesome

It’s really great when things start to look up. I think my holiday in USA about a month ago really helped with that. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things. It may sound corny but it was a life changing few weeks I think. It’s like the fog and monotony I had previously is gone and suddenly there’s a wealth of opportunities. It’s a good feeling

It’s not all positive though (is it ever? ). Whilst I’ve been catching up with old friends and even meeting someone new (who seems rather cool. We’ll see where that one goes ), it seems I’m losing touch with a much closer friend. And it’s a bit confusing really.

One minute you’re told that you’re such an important person in someone’s life and you mean a lot to them, the next they don’t even try to talk to you unless you start conversation first.
Maybe there’s something I don’t know going on but I don’t really feel inclined to say hi to someone when it feels like they’re avoiding me.

Maybe they just want some space for a while, or maybe I was right about that friendship all along – that it was more than that, and never really was about being friends. Either way, we used to talk to each other about things like that, things that would bother us. I guess we don’t any more.

Anyway, time for a relaxing weekend, keeping my feet up and continue planning the rest of my life

“You were my four leaf clover
My pure white dove
You were my lightning strike
And my knock on wood
My hope, my faith
My luck and love
Yeah
You were my shooting star
That lit up the sky
Then you broke the mirror
And my heart died
No hope, no faith
No luck, no love
Just ordinary
Just ordinary now”

It’s still hard to move along, but I’m trying. I realised that it’s pretty impossible to be close friends with Helina for the moment. We’ll still be friends I’m sure, but I’m taking a bit of distance. It’s not something I want to do but it’s for the best.

It’s already been a little easier so that’s good I guess. But that doesn’t mean it’s been completely smooth sailing. I’ve been busy preparing for my holiday to America (leaving next Friday!) but still she creeps into my mind from time to time. I’m trying to stay focused on the present rather than trying to drag back the past, but it’s not easy.

Each and every day I still want her back. I can’t shake that feeling. I guess one day it will go but til then I’m just trying to kick it down. The hardest part of that is that nothing really went wrong! In a way it would be easier if we fell out… if something terrible happened to break us apart, but it didn’t. A choice was made, that’s all. And so I still just see her the same way. She’s a wonderful woman; funny, caring, passionate, interesting. I know if this was a conversation with her, she’d say that I think too much of her, but it’s all true. It’s gonna be tough to find a replacement for her. Someone who clicks with me like she did. I liked how she knows and accepts the ways she’s different to others and it was great to know someone else like that. We could just be strange together

But hey, we’re getting past that, so let’s talk about something else!

Last night I went to see Diana Vickers in concert (quotation above is from her song ‘Four Leaf Clover’). I was on the fence about whether I was a fan of hers before I went but she completely sold it to me. It was a great performance, good night all around

Then I’ll also comment on the political stuff going on at the moment. As was expected… we have a hung parliament. Disappointing but hey, what you gonna do? I just hope whoever makes it into power now will do what is necessary to fix what has gone wrong. We have some dodgy policies flying around in those parties and it would be good to see them working together to do what is RIGHT. That’s all we need right now. I’m a little concerned about David Cameron, who’s looking to get power currently. He has the questionable policies and he better not screw it up.

Also on the note of policies, the Conservatives are looking to remove the ban on fox hunting with dogs. This is wrong, plain and simple. If it’s wrong for humans to be killed for fun, why is it not the same for foxes? Life is life, regardless of species. There’s a group founded by Brian May standing against this. Website is here. Facebook group is here. Show your support in any way you can!

Now for some sleep… busy week ahead…

“You close your eyes and kiss your hand then you blow it
But it isn’t meant for me, and I notice
If the choice was ours alone
Then why’d we both choose letting go?
Does it end like this?

Time never had a chance to heal your heart
Just a number always counting down to a new start
If you always knew the truth
Then the world would spin around you
Are you dizzy yet?

Respectfully, so honestly I’m asking now
Do you hear the conversation we talk about?
I’ll back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there’s half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine, we show it off.”

I think that says it all for me at the moment. Thanks Jim, I guess we’re back on track

I talk something through with someone and they continue on their merry way as if nothing was said. I have no clue if they are even taking it seriously or not. How do you chase that up without going on about it? I don’t want to go on, but I also would like to know if it’s a consideration to change things. I wouldn’t mind except that I’m actually agreed with, and then I watch actions on the other side that contradict it.

It all feels very familiar and I guess that’s not a good thing. Judging from the past there’s no point dwelling on it. For some reason things with me are always second rate to the alternative, despite being one that continues to burn. It’s not denied, there’s still something there between us as always, but it’s pushed aside. And why exactly? Well… we don’t know. “Then why’d we both choose letting go?” Very good question. We fit all of each other’s criteria, but we find a mystery blip. Instead of investigating that blip, we walk away it seems.

In the end it’s probably a mistake. Deep down nothing has changed. Our interactions will always be that extra bit special, a nagging feeling in the back of our minds asking why it ended up this way, a longing for the life we would have built. As in the past, it can be ignored, denied and avoided, but as in the past, it will probably end up growing, thriving and wanting more.

Love works in mysterious ways… no shit Sherlock

It must be one of the hardest feelings to face: when the "ex" starts to see someone else. Even if the "ex" part and the "seeing" part is kinda vague.

With the ex part being vague, this period is particularly nasty, and its where I find myself now. When you were never given that chance at a first date, not once despite going through so much together. It was discussed… it was coming… you were starting to plan your life together, but you then never got the chance to show who you can be.

I think that is what hurts the most: seeing someone else in the spot you were supposed to be in just a few short months back. Seeing her enjoy the excitement of it, that was for you not so long ago.

But there’s no wrongdoing here. It had to happen sometime, and hopefully soon it will be happening for me too. I just need to settle in the frame of mind that it’s all gone. Hard to do when it lasted so long… so many memories… so many good ones, but in the end never got a chance to shine, not even a photo to remember it all…

But it’s time to move on, to find something new, someone who will take my love and embrace it. I don’t know where things will go between the two of us now. Would I like to stay close? Of course I would, but I also need to watch out for myself. I sometimes find it hard to draw a line and care for myself a little instead of others, but I really need to do it now. This whole thing has the potential to beat me right down.

I wish her the best of luck, and I want her to be happy. She really deserves the best, although she would be the first to doubt it. But now I need to find some happiness myself, cause my happiness with her is now left to just a memory. In time it will return… until then I’m just hanging in there.

You know things aren’t really going so well when you have to force yourself into a happy face before entering the house after a day of work. Do I wanna talk about it? Bit hard when I don’t know what it is.
It feels like I have some holes in me that I don’t know how to fill. Days come, days go. More days come, more days go. What really is the point of it all?

People convince themselves that life has some higher purpose. But it seems they’re just overcomplicating things. Life comes, life goes. Not much really happens. What happens around that noone knows, and noone will ever know. Why is it that humans are the only species to strive to find something they can’t? I think my cats have the right idea… chill, chill, and chill some more… no care in the world…

How’ve things been the past week? Pretty good overall. I’ve been getting myself more regular exercise, I’m trying to eat more healthily (not so easy for me – waaay too fussy! – but I’m trying), I met up with some friends I haven’t seen for a while, things in work seem to be getting more structured… finally, and I’m starting to pick up playing the guitar at last.

So overall things are looking good… I still want more from myself of course, that’s just how I work I guess, but at least things are moving along.

This evening I watched the latest episode of One Tree Hill (vague spoilers ahead, so if you watch it and are a few episodes behind, you have been warned). It’s always been a show that I can relate to, scarily so sometimes. It has happened on numerous occasions already that when something is going on in my life, it is then tackled in OTH. So it’s certainly a show that hits some nerves with me.

These past few episodes have done just that, albeit a little indirectly. There has been a theme of dealing with death (and with it, loss in general) and also a lot of finding your way, dealing with the unknown and trust between people. Now the death side of things is something that I want to write about, but that will be for another time. Here I’d like to focus on the other part.

In the last episode there was mistrust between two of the characters. This led to one assuming the worst from other without finding out if it were actually true. I’ve been guilty of this before most certainly. It’s easy to see something or hear about something and just jump to the worst case scenario.
Why do we do it? It’s a defense mechanism I think. There’s a suggestion that someone that means the world to us could be doing something behind our backs or perhaps just not feel the same way we do, and without proof we bring up the shields ready for the worst, because unprotected it could really beat us down. So we bring up the walls, do and say stupid things and then find out that our fears were unfounded. You just gotta hope then that the damage done is not too great.
And the most stupid thing is that we do this time and time again. It’s a natural reaction that is very hard to turn off sometimes, and it’s all down to fear of losing those who we love.
There’s a fine line between having complete trust in people and being naive. It can sometimes be very difficult to find that line.

Then there’s the other part – finding which path to take in life, and in love. The problem here is that… you can’t ever really know your path. In fact, I’m not even sure there are paths anymore. You don’t know what is gonna come next for you. To go back to death for a second, and thinking a little morbidly… death could be waiting for you just next week. It’s not in your control. There are accidents, there are illnesses, there are attacks from vicious people. Simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time could end it all, at any point in time.
That’s very much a dark thing to consider, but it isn’t the intention to leave it at that. My point is that the only thing we truly have control over is what happens to us right now. The past is done. The future is unpredictable. The question is, what do you want right now before it’s too late?

Feel your heart beating. What is it beating for? What does it long for? Concentrate purely on what your heart tells you. Then stop and think about it. I bet your brain now says to stop being silly, that it isn’t possible. I bet it brings up all kinds of questions about things that could go wrong, and thinks about the risks you would be taking.
Well let’s think about risk for a second. The truth is that every single thing in this world carries risk. No exceptions. It is everywhere. It’s attached to every single action. That makes it irrelevant, in a sense.

It’s going back to fear again. Fear of losing often overshadows seeing what you can gain, but if you don’t take any actions you don’t ever gain anything.
So I ask you now, instead of thinking “what if it goes wrong?”, pose this question to yourself: What if it goes right?
That thing that you want – a person, an environment, anything – it is possible for what you imagine to come true. It’s possible it wont, yeah, but it’s 100% certain that it wont, if you do nothing.
While you indulge your fear, your chance may slip away and you may never get it back. So if you want something, just go for it. If you don’t get it, you’re no worse off than having done nothing. But if you do get it, all your dreams come true. Have a little faith in yourself and those that you love. Keep them close and together you can overcome that which you fear.

I’ll end it with a fitting quote taken from tonight’s episode:
”Give your head permission to follow your heart.”